Character Fiction

NOTE: *sigh*  I don’t know what the problem is with the text not formatting correctly.  I apologize for the text walls.  It just seems to magically unformat.

When I was a Freshman in college I created this character and named him Rodney Dylan. Ironically, I am now pretty good friends with someone named Rodney who loves the musician Bob Dylan. The original purpose of Rodney was an outlet for me to help get accustomed to college; high school took a lot out of me, especially my last two years. I had also just met Rachel around the time I created Rodney, so some new changes were going on in me that influenced how he behaved and thought. As I became more involved with my studies and more comfortable away from home I slowly lost contact with Rodney; he was simply no longer needed. I also didn’t like where he had ended up. He eventually could no longer find any sort of grip on the remaining threads of sanity.

When he was first conceived I had intentionally made Rodney a little crazy, but my hope was for him to eventually accept the absurdity of life like I would. The parallel I wanted never stuck, and so I parted ways with Rodney.I still find scraps of looseleaf paper with weird situations Rodney had gotten himself into and it brings me back to better days. I wanted to share one of the first Rodney stories I had ever written. This particular instance is the only Rodney story that was ever posted on the internet before now. I won’t tell you where it was, in fear of embarrassment.

So Happy Birthday, Rodney Dylan. You’re only two years old; who knows if we will meet again. I hope you and the Lauren Z. are happy.It’s interesting to see how my fictional writing has changed. I have become more and more abstract and post-modern, which I consider a bad thing. Good thing I don’t want to make a career out of it.

Enjoy, I guess.

———

Rodney Dylan: Part 1

“Is that so? And what exactly do you mean when you say that vegans are full of shit?”

In the small cafeteria inside the Student Union of the University of Louisiana at Lafayette, Rodney Dylan sat back in his chair with the slightest hint of a grin on his face. It was only about, oh, say twenty four seconds after the moment he had told Lauren Z. vegans were full of-

“Shit, I’m not even sure I want to hear it,” said Lauren with a sharp sigh.The chairs in the cafeteria often made him wonder. They were comfortable; the average person fit perfectly into one. Ass, back, and all. It wasn’t how comfortable they were that made him wonder, it was the fact that he didn’t have the urge when sitting in one to lean back and rock on the two hind legs. The back of the chair bent just far enough under his weight to relieve the urge. Far enough to lower the odds of him losing his balance when on the two rear inch-and-a-half in diameter legs, falling back, splitting the back of his skull open, and having a concussion.”I’m sure you probably don’t want to hear it.” He leaned back comfortably, grin barely visible. Visible enough, as he knew, to make the girl across from him squirm uncomfortably in her chair. He wondered if she liked the chairs. Her ass was much smaller than his, he thought. Perhaps there was too much seat and too much back. Or maybe it was for her like sitting in an old couch that is so big and soft it seems to pull you into its hug of dusty pillows and cushions. The couches that you only sit on when marijuana is being passed between two lovers while Hendrix is giving you a quiet, private show in the background. He wished his ass was small.”Don’t tease me, dammit. You can’t just say something like that and then expect me to react indifferently.”"Indifferently.”"Do I need to reiterate?”"Reiterate.”"Excuse me?”He’d like to see that little ass.”Man, this ham isn’t cooked in the middle. I’m not even sure if I should give it back for another one.” He looked to his right where ham and green beans that were leftovers from last week were being served.”Why are you telling me?! I don’t eat that stuff cooked or uncooked! Now, will you get back on the subject and answer me?” She leaned forward and set her elbows and forearms firmly on the table, her hands made into tight little fists. No, they couldn’t have been tight because her fingernails were too long. Her ass was probably tight though; she jogged daily.”No, you don’t need to reiterate.” He leaned forward and set his elbows firmly on the table, his hands into tight little fists. He didn’t have long fingernails, but they still weren’t tight fists anyway.”That’s not what I meant. I meant the whole thing about vegans being full of shit.”"Well, they are,” cocking his head to the left.How did other guys do it? They talk to a girl they hardly know and then an hour later he’s on top of her in his dorm making her breathe heavily, moan, and maybe even scream if she’s a screamer. An hour after that the girl is walking back to her dorm, emotionally torn, confused, and remembering as the blood trickles down her thighs that she forgot to say, “I’m a virgin.”"We’re going around in circles now.” Look of disappointment.”THERE! Why the long face, my dear Lauren Z.? Don’t play it off as if it was an expression expressing ‘There is no fruit in this fruit salad!’”"Have I ever told you that you are probably the most fucked up person I have ever met?” Ear to ear smile.”Vegans are full of shit because…” He trailed off as he watched a tall blonde, a Canadian girl from the Volleyball team, walk behind Lauren Z. towards where ham and old green beans were being served. He looked at Lauren Z., frowned, switched back to the Canadian and retained the slight grin again. He sighed heavily, looked back at Lauren Z., found a smooth spot on her cheek, and fixed a blank stare on that smooth little spot. He imagined that if that smooth little spot of cheek was multiplied several times and then divided by two it would be a smooth little ass. It would be only a few hours later until he realized that he happened upon a brilliant mathematical equation just then.”Is there something on my face?”"Yes.”"Why are vegans full of shit?!” She was desperate now. She made it out as if she was begging to learn the meaning of life, the secrets of time and the universe, and why men stopped caring about birthdays somewhere inbetween eighteen and twenty five. All three bundled in a nice little 3-for-1 package next to the Harlequin rack in the check out lane in Wal-Mart. Not K-mart, no sir. Only at the Wal.”Calm down, you’ll make a scene!” He stood up suddenly and flung his arms up in the air and shook his hands violently. Lauren Z. looked at Rodney with wide eyes as he calmly sat back down in his chair as if nothing had happened.Rodney began, “did you know that this ham came from an animal? A pig, I bet. Do you bet? He was born, fed until he was fat, slaughtered, packaged, and then frozen. He didn’t even have a choice to decide his own fate. I’m sorry, I forgot I was talking to a female and a vegan; let me correct myself. She didn’t even have a choice to decide her own fate. What is interesting, however, is that are we sure that pigs even have choice? Oh, I’m sure it has been proven that pigs lack the proper brain cells or whatever they are called that gives an organism what we have defined as choice, but what about instinct? Isn’t instinct a form of choice? Or is that only something that is primal and, due to a change in the environment, intitiates something automatic in the brain and is carried out by the body? Perhaps instinct is a primal form of choice.”As he pondered this question of life he brought his hand to his chin and rubbed it inbetween his thumb and index finger, staring with half closed eyes at one of the many water sprinklers protruding from the cafeteria ceiling.”I feel like I’m talking to nothing. Does anything I say to you matter?” She looked at him with tight lips and eyebrows pointed towards his ham.He felt like nothing lately, to be frank. He broke his ponder pose and proposed to ponder later. He looked back at Lauren Z. and sighed with disinterest.”You know, you really shouldn’t scowl like that. I think you look just fine disappointed.”"Now you listen to me. I’ll put on whatever face I want to and you’ll appreciate me for who I am as a woman.”"Lauren, I have to go, this isn’t going anywhere.” He pushed his chair back and began to stand up.”What!”"Ah, not a cloud in the sky.” He smiled happily as he stared directly up at the ceiling. He sat back down and breathed in deeply, slowly, feeling the scent of pizza, ham, and hamburger hit his senses.”The world is dying, you know. The more advanced man becomes, the more the earth dies. I’ve always been one to support space exploration and development. Man will have to move before the earth dies or before a big rock from space murders the earth and human race.” Ponder position.”I know what your problem is, Rodney.”Rodney suddenly shoots all attention at Lauren and burns his eyes into hers. “Really?! You found out?! Please tell me, I’ve been trying to figure it out for so long!”"You can’t-”"I can do anything.”"Let me finish!” she said.”Pigs and chickens will be bred and slaughtered. Cows will be bred and slaughtered and skinned for their hide. As will trees be grown and cut down for paper over and over.”"What?”"Vegans are full of shit.”"Wait a minute.” Lauren suddenly sat very upright and gave her undivided attention to Rodney.”The majority outweighs the minority, don’t you know. No matter what anyone does, there will always be more people who don’t give a shit and act selfishly than people who do give a shit and act a little less selfish. What’s that bumper sticker say? ‘Think globally, act locally’? It’s a great cause, hell I fight for it, but it’s hopeless in the end. At least it makes us feel good.”"Is that why we’re full of shit, because we care? You’re a hypocrite for saying all of that and then say that you’re fighting the good fight!”"I’m a hypocrite, and a vegan.”"You’re eating ham!”"It’s frozen in the middle.”