Rock, Papal, Scissors – Part 2 of 2

By now most of the audience is looking at the Pope and his Cardinals. They

remain silent, but barely. They look as if they’re about to start murmuring.

 

C2 speaking to C1.

C2: This is ridiculous! Everyone is throwing up excuses! No one wants to be the

“rude awakener.” It looks like it’s out of you and me, buddy.

C1: Us? Oh, very well. How are we going to decide this?

C2: How about…I’ll do all of your laundry for the next week if you volunteer for this.

C1: Hmmmm…

C2: Wait! I have an idea that doesn’t require anyone to get up at all!

 

He pulls out some coins from one of his pockets and proceeds to discreetly lob

one at the back of the Pope’s throne. It hits with a rather distinct “TINK!” No response from the Pope, who is still in deep slumber. The Cardinals show surprise at C2’s boldness, but then urge him to try again, knowing this may save them from having to go up their and wake him themselves.

 

C11: PSSSSST….POPPPPPPE! POPPPPPE WAKKKKE UPPPP!

C12: COUGH COUGH! YOUR HOLINESS! COUGH COUH!

C1 slaps his head at these two attempts to rouse the Pope, then motions for them to be silent again. C2 resumes his pitching stance. He tries again but he misses his mark. The others encourage him again.

 

C2: I used to play softball as a kid. Here we go!

 

Tosses a third coin which sails through the air. Hits the Pope on the head and then flies off into the crowd. Cardinals all cringe but the Pope doesn’t stir.

 

C2: I don’t think I scored any points with the Big Guy with that one, eh?

C11 and C12 scurry over from their seats to huddle with C1 and C2. The audience looks completely confused at what they’ve just witnessed; some shrug and others look around. Many began to fish in their pockets and pull out their wallets.

 

C11: I think that gave them the wrong idea.

The audience begins to throw tons of money onto the stage (coins and bills both)…to the point where the Pope is covered in currency. He remains asleep.

 

C11: It’s not even time for the “offerings” yet! At least they’re generous today…

C12: Oh my, oh my my my! We’ve got to do something! This is all wrong!

C2: One of you just go over and bump against him! It’s not that big of a deal.

C1: Are you kidding? It wasn’t before, but it is now! His Holiness was just pelted with

money in front of thousands of people! Whoever wakes him is going to have to

explain to him what’s been going on…

C2: (after a short thoughtful pause) I’ve got it! (All the Cardinals look at him)

I’m thinking of a number between one and ten…

Rest: No, no, no!

C11: You’re in this with the rest of us!

C2: But I just triedddd the coin thingggg! That’s my two cents. HA! If we used pennies

here, that could have been called a pun!

C11: Anyone have any straws?

C1: Yes, we all just came from the hayfield! Of course not, who carries straws?

C2: Very well, it looks like it’s Rock Paper Scissors time. A tournament will settle who

goes: the person who loses the most games out of all of us.

C1, C11, C12: (nodding) Very well, let’s go inform the others!

They all deliberate then begin playing. Thwack Thwack Thwack! (the sound of fists hitting palms) A few cardinals look dismayed, a few pleased. Thwack Thwack Thwack! Frustration and glee. The faces become more animated. The synchronized Rock Paper Scissors game draws the focus of everyone in the audience once again. This puzzles them even more but they begin to follow the Cardinals’ example. The whole audience is soon engrossed in their own massive Paper Rock Scissors tournament. THWACK THWACK THWACK! THWACK TWHACK TWHACK!

The Pope slowly wakes from his slumber and gazes around at the ridiculous situation around him. No one notices because they are all engrossed in their tournaments. He raises an eyebrow at the crowd and does the same to the Cardinals behind him, who have not noticed him either. He shrugs and pockets some of the money that coats him, then goes back to sleep.

 

Curtain.

 

The planted audience ends the tournament at the same time the curtain closes and immediately bow their heads again. The end!

Rock, Papal, Scissors – Part 1 of 2

So I have this friend Burt who made the mistake of sharing some old files from his laptop with me. One of these files was a short play that he had to write for a college English class. Here is part 1 of that play…

“Rock Papal Scissors”
—–
Cast: -Twelve Cardinals, four of which have lines

(Cardinals 1 & 2, Cardinals 11& 12)

-The Pope

-“Audience”

 

Scene: The Pope sits on his throne facing the audience. He is the closest figure to them,

but his twelve cardinals sit in a row flanking him. The first four rows of the

audience are secretly part of the play; the real audience begins seating at Row 5.

The scenery is that of a typical mass environment that would exist at one of the

Pope’s public masses.

 

Curtain lifts.

 

The Pope is seated on his throne in front of the audience. The twelve cardinals are seated close behind the pope in a row. Everyone, including the Pope, has his or her head bowed in meditation. No one moves for a minute. Silence. The planted audience begins to raise their heads.

Stage Right: Cardinal 1 (C1) raises his head and looks around, first at the audience, and then at the Pope. His eyes widen has some realization hits him. He nudges Cardinal 2 (C2), who looks up, surprised.

 

C2: What? What is it?

C1: I think the Pope fell asleep again…this “moment of silence” seems like an eternity.

C2: Are you sure? Remember the last time we thought he was asleep during Mass? He

didn’t like that one bit. I don’t see any reason to jump to conclu…

 

Just then the Pope’s trademark hat slips from his head and falls into his lap. There it rises up and down with the Pope’s deep breaths. He is obviously sleeping. A few people in the audience begin to look around, but think better of it and go back to meditating.

 

C2: Uh oh.

C1: All right, let’s talk it over with the rest of the boys and decide who’s going to go

wake him this time.

C2 cringes.

C2: I don’t know…What’s the expression? “It’s best to let sleeping Popes lie,” (makes

quotation marks with his fingers) or something? I don’t want to feel the wrath of a grumpy religious icon today…

C1: How long do you think we have before the snoring sets in? Someone has to wake

him before the audience notices. Who knows what they’ll do! Now pass it on!

 

C2 leans over to the next Cardinal and informs him of the dilemma, who passes the news onto the next, who passes it onto the next, and so on, until it reaches Cardinal 11. This takes place in a flurry; the excitement and concern is evident. Small discussions form between the twelve, but only the ones between Cardinals 1 and 2 and between Cardinals 11 and 12 are voiced.

 

C1 and C2 appear to be in a heated argument, along with most of the others.

 

C11 turns to C12. Stage left.

C11: Guess what?

C12: The Pope fell asleep again?

C11: Yep.

C12: I’m not waking him up. I did it last time.

C11: And I did it the time before. I think we’ve all done it at least twice. We have to

decide on someone, though. It’s the rule.

C12: We’d better think of something fast. The audience is done meditating. I think

they’re looking at us now.
—
Stay tuned for the conclusion.